April 3, 1896 - Charles Birchwood's Journal

Oh what a joyous day it was. Caroline awoke me with breakfast in bed, quite literally. The coffee was hot like it should be but I have always though it is to be taken internally for best results. After this morning, I think I might advocate the external application of coffee as a morning stimulant. The only draw back is the scalding burns.

I surmised at the time she felt my reaction would be worth the extra work of washing the sheets. I should have known better, Caroline never does any work. Our arguments of late have become creative and I must say I love her more than ever when she stands over me, tongue pressed through her lips in my general direction. Will she resort to sticking her thumbs in her ears soon? I can hardly stand the anticipation.

As I left for the St. Francis Music Academy, I had foolish expectations of well wishes for my day. I turned around on the doorstep to kiss my loving wife goodbye and as I leaned toward her she slammed the door closed. At least my front door does not bite. I wonder if Father Mc Gregory would consider my brief interlude with the door a moment of infidelity?

The students were exceptionally gifted today. Alfred managed to break all the strings on his violin and his bow in a single motion. I have never before seen such a feat and I congratulated the boy heartily for it. I was disappointed to not be able to hear his latest creation of notes that never were. Perhaps God could no longer bear to hear the boys astounding musical talents.

I must not fail to mention Timothy’s brilliance as well. The young lad has perfected the art of belching scales. It is quite impressive and certain to win the hearts of ladies all across America. I almost enjoyed it as much as his farting rendition of the national anthem last month.

After lunch I was quite certain I could stand no more joy for a single day. Caroline had packed me an apple core and four strips of stale, overcooked bread crust. Her culinary skills are unmatched the world over, I am certain. I could hardly wait to see what magnificent surprise she had in store for dinner.

However first was choral practices with the five years olds. We transformed a wonderful song into something even more special. I believe these children are all prodigies of the kind not seen since Mozart or Beethoven. “Mary hags a wittle Sam” they sang in perfect disharmony. I am so proud.

Eager to return home to my adoring family, I settled into my desk after choral practice. I was feeling very much alone and praying for company when Father Mc Gregory entered the room. I was so surprised by my answered prayer I nearly toppled over in my chair.

“Charles!” He called in a chipper tone.

“Father!” I shouted back.

He smiled as though my mere presence did not turn his innards. I wonder how many Hail Mary’s he’ll have to say for that act of deception?

“I trust you had a good day?” He asked.

I wonder if that is the same trust he has in God?

“Oh a wonderful one from morning until now.” I lied.

“Glad to hear it. I have a letter for you from a Mister Carrington of Brown University.”

I was intrigued if I had perhaps received an even better offer than Primrose College. He handed me the letter and left without further false pleasantries.



It was getting late and so I started my leisurely three mile walk to home. When I arrived, I found Caroline and the children were noticeably absent as was the abysmal aroma of a sour dinner. I wondered fleetingly if God had taken to answering my prayers for the day.

Strangely there was not even a note left behind. I should contact the local sheriff and report them missing. My loving wife would never deign to take herself and the children away without so much as a note. For the moment though, I am enjoying the quiet.

I think I’ll sleep in the children’s room tonight. The smell of rotted breakfast in my bed might cause me to miss Caroline too much to sleep. I do hope they return soon. I cannot imagine a more wonderful life than the one they give me everyday.